break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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