Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
