It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
There's always time for handjobs
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
