my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
