If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
