I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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