I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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