Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
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He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
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Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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