you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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