from now on my penis is your penis
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
