I'm lost and stupid without you.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
