i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
We need a shit load of segways right now
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
