i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
