My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
