I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize