he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
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He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
did i walk over a car last night?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
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Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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