He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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