i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
