I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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