So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
