my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm too high and old for this...
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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