I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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