I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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