How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
