I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Randomize
