flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
