Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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