I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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