After last night, I could never be a politician.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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