i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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