just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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