i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
