when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
