i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Too much gin, very little bucket
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
splinters make it hard to masturbate
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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