I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
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He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
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God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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