winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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