you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize
