OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
