saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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