is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
