Swine flu. Run for my life!
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Randomize
