wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
