dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
