i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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