after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
