I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
