my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Randomize
