I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
a search helicopter?!
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
