she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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