dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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