his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
