Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
