sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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