Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
