eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
