6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
