i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
