burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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