If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
