I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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