dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
